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Smokin’ Hot

The latest trend in describing women seems to be “smokin’ hot”. I am guessing that the definition of that term varies in degree from guy to guy, and perhaps from Christian to non-Christian. Is there a stated definition? Does it just mean attractive or does it mean, as one guy said, “I want to have sex with her"? No matter the intensity of the meaning, we can probably all agree that it refers to physical characteristics.

What is interesting to me is that it is often the first thing Christian men say to describe their wives. I see it on twitter bios, Facebook posts, and blogs. I hear guys say it on videos, in sermons and in vlogs. Guys, when I pull up your online bio, I immediately learn that your wife is smokin’ hot. I have no idea why you want me to know that, but it seems very important to you.

I began wondering if women want to be described that way. So I posted this question on Facebook and Twitter …

"If your husband/boyfriend could only say one thing about you to describe you to someone else, what would YOU want that quality or characteristic to be?"

A surprising number of women responded. Many of their answers overlapped so I combined them into this list:

Loving
   A truth speaker
      Have integrity
         I complete him
            Submissive to God and to him
               Love God and His Word, and live to obey Him
                  Kind
                     Genuine
                        Virtuous
                           Giving
                              Faithful to the Lord and to him
                                 Christ-like
                                    Godly
                                       Pleasing first to God and then to others

Huh. Not one answer about how she looks. Hmm.

Perhaps most people would blow this off as “no big deal” but I’m not so sure. With such a huge chasm between what men say and what women want to hear, it is at least worth bringing up.

My ponderings …

Given the sometimes sexual connotation of “smokin’ hot” should Christian men draw public attention to women, their wives, in that way?

Is primarily focusing on her appearance setting her up for insecurity as she ages?

Rather than complimenting the wife, is the use of that term actually a man’s way of making him look good? (getting the hot girl)

Women want to be loved. Will a woman feel more loved if you praise her appearance or her character?

What does God say is praiseworthy in a woman?

“Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.” Proverbs 31:30

Your ponderings?


Comments

DeLane Horton
On 01/19/2011

Loved this blog, & I was intrigued, because my husband has referred to me as ‘smokin hot’, & I certainly do not fit the world’s description of that term!  So I polled him.  He said that when he uses that term for me, he is saying that I complete & satisfy him beyond his wildest dreams, spiritually, physically & emotionally!  This thrilled me, because completing him was what I said I would want him to say about me!  He assumes that this is where most Christian men, dedicated to their wives are going with that term.  They are saying they have better than what the world has to offer them.  On the other side of that coin, some men marry a woman who IS ‘smokin hot’ by the worlds terms, & they are not satisfied & look elsewhere. 

Men should, however,  be sensitive to whether this description delights or intimidates his wife, & also be cautious of the thoughts they are putting in the minds of their audience.  Love your work Lyn!!

Lyn
On 01/19/2011

DeLane, thanks for bringing your husband into the discussion.  I have no doubt that many Christian men have the sweetest and purest motives when using that term, I thought it was worth thinking about, however, since the world so easily infiltrates our thinking and speech.  I really appreciate your perspectives and comments.  It sounds like you and your husband are on the same page.  Great!

Angie
On 01/19/2011

I loved this blog too and my interest was peaked because when you said that men described their wives as “smokin hot” I thought you had somehow seen my husband’s phone.  When I call his phone number “Smokin Hot, Angie” appears on his caller ID!  I have to agree with DeLane that the reason my husband gives me that term of endearment is because I satisfy him in every way as well and it doesn’t really bother me that he uses that name.  Sure I would love for him to describe me with the attributes he has listed (and from what other people have told me, he does) his nickname for me brings me comfort.  Men are visual by nature and I am thankful he thinks I am “smokin hot” which means he only has eyes for me and that is what I pray for. 

With that, I do ask him to please be careful not to use that term when around his guy friends…we try to just keep that between the two of us for the reasons that DeLane stated.

Great thoughts and I loved being challenged in my thinking about this!

Lyn
On 01/19/2011

Angie, I love the description of your relationship with Todd.  I know it is sweet and that you love and trust each other.  Your last sentences are exactly my point.  There’s nothing wrong with sexual banter between a husband and wife!  That’s fun and exciting.  But in public?  Part of my thought is, is that really what our husbands want other people to think about their wives?  Do I want other men checking me out because my husband called me smokin’ hot?  I personally don’t.  smile

Michael
On 01/19/2011

I agree 100%.  I can’t stand when other dudes say this.  I tell everyone, including her, that April is amazing…And that is because she is.

Andy Coticchio
On 01/19/2011

I often wonder if men use that term more as a self affirmation than as a compliment to their wives (as in, hey look at me, I married a woman who is smoking hot).

My wife is my best friend, and completes me emotionally and spiritually. She is the reason I understand what the Bible means in Genesis 2:24 about “one flesh”.

She knows how I feel about her, and probably would not want me putting up anything on twitter or facebook about her degree of smokiness to me. How i express that to her is intensely personal and intimate between us and is part and parcel of being in a marriage relationship that meets the biblical one flesh level.

I do not need to advertise her in that way, she surely does not need it. So I will always wonder for who’s benefit is the characterization made?

Mark Prasek
On 01/19/2011

Your Smokin’ Hot blog has spokin’ to my heart. Thanks for offering the female point of view. We didn’t mean any harm. I had no idea. Full Armor!

@KerryBural
On 01/19/2011

Lyn,

This is an interesting conversation. Thanks for bringing it to our attention!

Kerry

Lyn
On 01/19/2011

Great comments, guys!  Michael, I love that your wife is amazing.  She must feel so honored to be described in that way. 
Andy, thank you for so thoughtfully expressing your relationship with your wife.  She is blessed to have you.  I have no doubt that you let her know her “degree of smokiness” to you.  wink
Mark, I believe most Christian guys haven’t even thought about it.  No wrong intent whatsoever.  That’s the reason I brought it up.  To challenge us to think about what we say and why, especially regarding our mates.  Thanks for your comment. 
Kerry, I’ve really enjoyed the responses. Glad you guys joined in.  I appreciate the different perspectives.

Bridget Haymond
On 01/19/2011

Wow, this is a really interesting topic because I can see both sides of this and I think it’s about individual perception.  To be honest it doesn’t offend me when I see a man who has this on his bio because I don’t think of it as a sexual remark in the context of a bio.  In fact I take it to be an indication that he is happily married and is not online to cheat on his wife.  I find it endearing that he is happily married and wants everyone to know he thinks his wife is really attractive.  It speaks to me of his commitment to her and “smokin hot” is just dude talk for my wife is awesome. 

I agree with DeLane that men should check with their wife prior to posting it online to make sure that they are okay with it.

Dustin
On 01/20/2011

So true! While I am attracted to my wife, you’re right-complimenting and encouraging those other things are going to go much, much further.

@PaulSteinbrueck
On 01/20/2011

Good conversation, Lyn.  I agree with Andy & think a lot of guys use the term for self-affirmation.

One other thing I’ll throw into the mix is that I’ve never met a woman who didn’t want to be called beautiful (if not smokin’ hot).  Woman may have posted to your blog saying they wanted to be thought of for their character virtues, but I have found that sometimes people post the most socially acceptable response to blogs rather than the most authentic.

Let me ask the women here a few questions…

- How much money do you spend on beauty and hair products vs things that will improve your character?

- How much time do you spend every day on your physical appearance vs your character and spiritual development?

- Do you think where people spend their time and money is a reflection of what really matters to them?

Personally, I think men and women both perpetuate a preoccupation with appearance.  Men are more likely to compliment a woman on her looks than anything else, and women want affirmation so they pursue compliments on their appearance.

Melissa Rorabaugh
On 01/20/2011

Thought provoking as usual, Lyn! Love it!

To answer the question about how my husband describes me, when teaching/preaching he always describes me first as a prayer warrior. I am perfectly fine with that title - it’s one I can live up to…

kelybreez
On 01/20/2011

When I say my wife is “smokin’ hot,” I AM talking about physical characteristics…

... As well as spiritual, mental, and everything else.

In fact, I would NEVER consider a woman “smokin’ hot” who wasn’t a seeker of Jesus.

For that matter, I’ve never referred to any other woman besides my wife as smokin’ hot. ‘Cause no one else is smokin’ hot to me.

Lyn
On 01/20/2011

Enjoying your comments - thanks so much!  My mind has been in overdrive since posting this blog.  Maybe we need a whole series on this topic!
Dustin, your wife has a good guy. 
Paul, you said a WHOLE lot in a few sentences.  For me, in answer to your questions, I do spend more money and more time on spiritual pursuits than on my appearance. But that hasn’t always been the case, so I understand where women are in desiring affirmation on their appearance.  Not to say, I don’t enjoy my husband’s compliments.  Of course I do!  But I only want his, not any other man’s.  Part of my question about using “smokin’ hot” in public has to do with drawing attention to a wife’s body so that other men are tempted.  Is that honoring to her and to the Lord? 
Great questions you asked!  Thanks for your input.

Lyn
On 01/20/2011

Melissa, like the way you think, my friend.  And kudos to your sweet guy! smile

kelybreez, your wife is blessed indeed to have a man with eyes only for her. 

Bridget, thanks for your comments.  Individual perception is no doubt a big part of this, especially for Christians.  That’s part of my concern though - that we are using a cultural phrase that has a strong sexual meaning but hoping everyone understands that we don’t mean it that way.  Is that realistic?  The Bible does tell us to avoid ALL appearance of evil.  Food for thought.

Mark Elam
On 01/27/2011

Lyn,
This is a fun and controversial topic for discussion. I wonder what others that are not believers would have to say about it? That said, I doubt that some of your post want someone as honest as I am to wade in at this point… after being in the world for 30 years and then coming into the church, authenticity is a high priority to me and all the church-club-talk that life-long Christians tend to use is embarrassing outside of the Church walls.

To be brutally honest, I think that the photo you chose to illustrate the blog is very interesting. Why did you choose it?... because grills are hot and put out smoke? You could have chosen a race car or to be more specific to the issue - a curvy blonde cheerleader. The photo linked to this issue suggest that smoking hot is about meat. And there are plenty of men in the world that truly see attractive women as just that, meat to satisfy their carnal hunger.

I agree mostly with Paul Steinbrueck, the issue that you are noticing is that some men use guy-terms that are self-affirming and culturally accepted (due mainly to their own insecurities), with little regard as to how they might be perceived by women. And I agree with Paul that all of us, Christians or not, give far too much focus to our appearance. We all know that as believers we are supposed to say that character and spirituality is our main priority… but the Bible is clear when it say “out of the heart the mouth speaks”. Our words reveal what is really in our heart.

I bet that you didn’t find any men describing their daughters as “Smokin Hot” on their Facebook page. Why not, because the term is racy, suggestive and degrading.

Come on guys, fess-up! Lyn, when you can find a man honest enough to say the truth -“she is very sexy to me” and not try to say that “Smokin Hot” means you complete me with your spiritual character… then you will find an honest guy.

So why wouldn’t we say the truth about it? Because men have been conditioned to see women as sexual objects created to meet our sexual desires… and to admit that means that I have been contaminated by the sexualized culture around me and seduced into believing that it is normal to talk about women, and even our wives as my sex object. We know better when confronted, but our heart condemns us.

Sexual impurity is a big problem with the men and many women in our society. It has its grip on our souls and effects our minds, attitudes, words and actions. Let’s be honest enough to admit that we have a sin infestation problem and then work toward a spiritual solution.


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She always takes a person to the truth that God loves them, and reminds them that their past and present struggles do not change that. She gently, but clearly and directly shares the truth with them and deposits them at the foot of the cross so they can see their Savior, not her.

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Lyn has the proven ability to say, share or ask where many would gloss over, over-generalize or not go. Lyn is clear and forthright when sharing about her self, without pretense and is not ambiguous about her past, its impact or the hope and healing that she has experienced.

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